- Negotiate Clear Boundaries: Consenting to generally kinky fun is a bit of a beginner mistake, even if you’ve connected with someone you share kinks with. Kink and BDSM cover so much territory that it’s important to be clear about the activities you’re keen to engage in, and the things that could be triggering, or should be outright avoided. These desires and limits can change and grow as we do, so never think you’re restricting yourself by not doing ALL THE THINGS. Start with the fetishes you’re both super enthusiastic about, and build a solid foundation on which you can start setting some riskier scenes.

- Enthusiastic Consent: This is the form of consent I encourage all of you to practice. There is very little room for coercion or manipulation because it comes from a place of authentic eagerness, curiosity and excitement. When everyone in a kink scene is consensually engaged and excited about the prospects it can make for a pretty carefree fun time.

- Risk Awareness and Mitigation: Kink and BDSM are inherently risky – that’s part of what attracts many of us towards these activities. It adds another layer of adrenaline and sensation to our sex lives, and gives another layer of power and passion to relationships. Before you indulge in your particular fetish it’s good to get an idea of what the risks might be, and if there’s anything in your personal history that could limit or increase your risks. Whatever risks might be involved – some common ones include broken skin, bruising, caught restraints, hyperventilation – be sure to have care products ready to go once play has finished. We’ll cover this more in aftercare.

- Physical and Emotional Safety: You’ve done all the prep – found a willing and trustworthy partner, negotiated limits, and set up the required space. Even so, things don’t seem right and fun. Your enthusiasm has dwindled. Firstly, don’t think your consent is an undoable spell. If things aren’t feeling good, just call a stop. If your gut has been right about your chosen partner, there will likely be room to chat through any triggers, or problems, if that’s something you’d like to do. Know where the First Aid kit is – just in case!

- Aftercare: As the name suggests, aftercare is the activity that happens after the kink session. Like an intense fuck session, kink can be exhausting – so many feelings, so much stimulation, so much endurance. Aftercare acknowledges the intense connection BDSM allows, offering space in which to ground after what can be such a full-on time. Aftercare differs for everyone, and some people don’t even want it at all. It can include tending to wounds, cuddles and snacks, or a quiet chat to debrief. Just like the play itself, the aftercare is negotiated by the players involved and depends on what they want or need from each other.

Before you even start playing, you need a partner you can trust, and that’s regardless of whether you’re interested in a Dominant or submissive role. You need to know the person you’re playing with will respond to your needs, and/or communicate their needs to you.

As we know with online meet-ups, it’s always better to meet in public. There are often casual meets in cafes or pubs where kinksters get together in an everyday space just to chat and catch up (They’re called ‘munches’). There’s no BDSM gear or outfits – it’s all very ‘vanilla’. But it’s a really great space to meet up with other kinksters you’ve met online in a very safe and supportive space.

Join an online community. Social media offers a few options – there are kink themed pages on Facebook you can like, or BDSM peeps on Insta or Twitter. And then there’s a couple of platforms specific to the BDSM and fetish communities, the biggest of which is Fetlife. Online communities may not be perfect – pages on the mainstream platforms are always of threat of some sort of ban or suspension, and Fetlife has some navigation issues – but they can also help you meet people, learn things, find events in your area, and potentially inspire your kinky play.